Odd
Goings On
With a sharp "crack" a shaft of purple lightning stabbed down
from the black night sky and struck the sturdy, square chimney of the
garden gnome factory. Inside the factory, unseen, except by a startled
mouse, the lights on the Autognome machine flickered for a moment. The
big drive wheel gave one turn and in the darkness, something clunked
onto the conveyor.
Next morning, Bert the foreman arrived, early as usual, to find a few
stone blocks scattered in the yard. He looked up at the damaged
chimney, with its brightly painted sign saying: "Jolly's Garden Gnomes
- jollying up your garden since 1974", and shook his head. Unlocking
the staff door, he went inside. He took off his coat and hung it on the
six inch nail, which he had banged into the wall all those years
before. He slipped on his shapeless brown work-coat and walked over to
the Autognome machine where he found -Oddie.
Oddie was certainly an oddity. He had no pipe, no fishing rod and no
bundle on a stick. Not a spotted hankie in sight. But what Oddie lacked
in Gnome-wear, he made up for, by having - three heads.
Bert laughed helplessly and his ample waist bobbled like Santa doing
his "Ho Ho Ho". Nothing like this had ever happened in all his years at
the factory. But the foreman's amusement was only partly shared by the
three heads. "Well I never . ." said Bert out loud. The head on his
left wore a stern, disapproving look, the middle one was pleasant,
almost smiling, but the third! The third head, not only had a look of
pure devilment on its face, it was also sticking its tongue out!
At last, Bert stopped laughing and said: "Bless my soul" you must be
Tom, Dick and Harry. "But you're all rolled into one!"
At that moment Mrs Potts came bustling in, one minute late, as
usual. It was her job to paint the gnomes as they came off the
machine. She disappeared into the back room, changed out of her anorak
and into wrap-round overall and then tied her hair in a scarf. She
gathered up her paint cans and brushes and went over to the Autognome.
"Oh my goodness Bert, what have you got here?" exclaimed Mrs Potts, "Is
it from one of those flying saucers?"
"It's alright Irene" replied Bert, I reckon the machine got a jolt of
lightning last night, and went a bit funny for a moment. "Here, you
might as well paint him; or should I say them?"
"They do say two heads are better than one, but three's definitely a
crowd" said Irene, rather pleased with her joke. Bert
smiled and said: "Give Tom, there, a blue hat for that cold look. Give
Dick, in the middle, a yellow one for his sunny nature, and I think a
red one for Harry; he looks like a load of trouble. Oh, and put him out
front, in the display garden when he's dry."
"Gnomes are supposed to be jolly!" muttered Mrs Potts. "Nothing very
jolly about you lot." And she delayed painting Harry's eyes until
last, to avoid his gaze.
So it was, that as evening came, Oddie found himself standing by the
pond in his crinkle-top, pointy-toe boots, between a frog and a
pixie. Shadows lengthened and night fell. A full moon climbed into the
clear night sky. The church clock chimed its way round to midnight and
lazily struck twelve.
Splash! The pixie was in the pond.
"That was pointless, unnecessary and stupid" said Tom.
"Shut up. Pixies are silly and blue hats are silly too" replied Harry.
Oddie had come to life and the heads were arguing already.
"Please stop arguing chaps or the big soft police will come and get all
confused" cautioned Dick.
"Huh, they must be really stupid" came Harry's response.
"Don't be disrespectful" said Tom, and the right hand gave the left
head a slap.
"Wah, he hit me" shrieked Harry, his red hat quivering.
"Come on legs" instructed Dick "we had better move before things get
any worse." However, before the legs could make use of this command,
heavy footsteps were heard coming through the darkness.
"Everything alright here?" came a stern voice, as a torch clicked on.
"I'm alright" quipped Harry, "it's the others." The torch swung in the
direction of the voice and found Harry's face. There was a pause as
police constable Brassbase considered the possibilities. He lifted the
beam higher and shone it about saying; "Alright, who's playing games?"
Although Eric Brassbase had been placed high in his final year at
police college, nothing they taught could have prepared him for this
encounter. Indeed, although his eyes had, without doubt, seen Harry's
lips move, his brain refused to accept such nonsense. By way of
compensation it was dredging up images of TV performers with talking
dummies on their knees, in an attempt to rescue him from the impossible.
"The speed you catch on, it should be Blind Mans Bluff, with you as the
blind man" cheeked Harry.
"Oh, we've got a smart one have we?" growled the policeman.
"No, we're not all smart, some of us are respectful, decent people"
came Tom's voice. "There really is no need for concern constable" said
Dick, "we are just having a small discussion here."
Failing to find anyone, ventriloquist or otherwise, in the dark behind
Oddie, constable Brassbase, lowered his beam again, in time to see the
pixie, unstable on the muddy bottom, keel slowly over.
"What's that doing in the pond?" queried the constable, shining his
torch at the rapidly sinking pixie.
"About as much as it did on the bank" shouted Harry. The officer
re-focussed his torch on Oddie and stared a long stare. He had just
realised he was talking to a garden gnome and muttered: "I'd better
make a few notes". He took out his notebook and clenching a stub of
"Standard Economy Issue" pencil furrowed his brow. Speaking out loud,
almost as an aid to belief, he set down: "Apprehension of three headed,
talking gnome".
"I think that would be three talking-headed gnome" said Tom .
"I think you need a larger brain," sneered Harry. "
"Of garden gnome with three talking heads" tried the policeman. "I
shall need your name - or is it names?"
"Tom- Dick- Harry" chorussed the three, all over each-other.
"Now then, now then, one at a time" prompted the officer.
"I shall speak first" intoned Tom, as Harry shouted: "Me first, me
first!" The policeman sighed. "You sir, in the middle, if you please,
might I have the names?"
" Certainly constable" said Dick. "On my right, this is Tom." Tom
responded with: "How do you do, pleased to meet you I'm sure". "On my
left" continued Dick, "this is Harry." Harry looked his best sullen and
remained silent. "I'm Dick, and we all have the surname: Oddity". The
policeman surveyed the unlikely set of names in the light of his torch
and wondered just how all this was going to be received down at the
station.
"Might I ask what your business is here sir?" Brassbase marvelled at
his own question and wondered if he might be losing his mind.
"We are a garden gnome" said Tom, "Garden gnomes do not have or go
about business, they have a subtle function."
"Subtle function" wrote the constable, out loud in his notebook.
"What he means is, we're nothing like policemen" cackled Harry.
"Oh I see sir" said the policeman, addressing Harry. "And would that be
cause for rejoicing or sadness?"
"Depends whether or not you're a policeman," said Harry.
At this point, Dick leapt in with: "It's a lovely night constable."
"That also depends on whether you're a policeman sir" countered the
officer, a little wearily.
"Oh come now officer. There must be compensations, even in your job"
asserted Tom. "How did you come to join the police force?"
"Actually, I wanted to be a bus conductor but my feet were too big for
those little stairs. So here I am and its not a bad life you know.
Traffic duty's the worst; it's the feet again you see.
Now sir, you can't stay here" said the constable, suddenly realising he
had been lured into a life interview by a plausible third of a gnome.
"Can if we want to!" said Harry.
"Oh no sir" the officer came back, "because staying out all night is
vagrancy and vagrancy is not allowed."
"Then you'll have to deal with a vagrant frog and a vagrant pixie" said
Harry. "Unless being under water makes him special". And he eyed the
stream of bubbles glinting in the torchlight.
"What do you suggest we do officer?" asked Dick.
"The only thing I can suggest, sir, is that you go down the road, a
short way, to the Salvation Army hostel and ask for a bed for the
night. Otherwise" (he winced at the thought) "I shall have to arrest
you."
"Does the hostel take three headed gnomes?" crowed Harry.
"I don't know sir, I never asked them" replied the policeman. He folded
his notebook, returned the pencil into its place and slid the
combination back into his pocket. "Good night sir - er - gentlemen he
said, and smiling, half in relief and half in embarrassment, strode off
into the dark.
"Well you two" said Dick "it would appear we have to go down to the
hostel to avoid further problems with the big soft policeman."
"What do we want to go there for" moaned Harry.
"You have just been told why " Tom informed him. I should appreciate it
if you could cause no further trouble."
"Ner ner ner ner ner" was Harry's response in his best hoity-toity.
"OK legs" said Dick "down the road" and off went the legs in the
direction indicated by the policeman. As they went through the curly,
wrought-iron gate, the left hand grabbed it and it swung to with a
crash.
"Must you always behave like that" said Tom to Harry. A window was
thrown open above the street and a voice shouted: "Who's there? What's
going on?"
"Shhhhh!" said Tom.
"Shush yerself" came Harry's overloud response.
"Run legs" said Dick and legs broke into a run.
"I shall call the police" squawked the voice at the window.
"I know some things you can call them" bawled Harry. But before he
could continue with his nonsense, the legs turned right into Church
Lane and took off, at increasing speed down hill.
By the time Dick had worked out how to stop (Oddie was, of course, very
new to having moveable legs) they were outside the church. It was a
small village church, which had once belonged to the Big House. It had
been built by the eccentric landowner as a mini-cathedral cum folly,
complete with a variety of carved figures in niches, all up the bell
tower. With time, some of these had crumbled and been removed.
Knowing they would be discovered in daylight, Dick set his mind to
finding a hiding place. Oddie walked right round the church arriving
back where he started.
"We could creep into the crypt" said Harry in high glee. And Tom
offered "We must be careful to show no disrespect." The word
"disrespect" was a red rag to Harry's bull but it was Dick who spoke:
"Got it" he declared. And then, enigmatically: "The best place to hide
something is in full view." Oddie set off round the tower again to a
small door, seen on the first circuit. It had a missing plank, through
which, being gnome-sized, he could enter. It had never occurred
to the verger that the missing plank might, one day, let in an
argumentative, three-headed garden gnome, so it had been left.
"This is quite improper, and I shall have no part of it" declared Tom.
"This is great!" bounced Harry "I'll have his share."
The right hand, with a flourish, covered Toms eyes, in a gesture of
total non-involvement, while the left helped Oddie through the gap in
the door. By the small amount of yellow light, seeping in from the
floodlight in front of the church, a narrow staircase was just visible.
As Oddie started to climb, Tom, eyes still covered, banged his head on
a stone boss. "Blast" he swore. Harry's delight knew no bounds.
"Language, Tom, PLEASE" he admonished. If Tom had possessed a blood
vessel, it would surely have blown.
Dick had the legs climb the tower until Oddie found a slit-window,
leading onto a ledge, which in turn, led to an empty niche.
"Definitely no!" declared Tom, who had, wisely, now uncovered his eyes.
The right hand gripped the stonework and brought Oddie to a halt. But
Tom had not realised that, squeezed into the staircase, as they were,
Harry could reach his hand. The left hand punched the right hand hard,
and its grip was lost.
"You will pay for that, young man," said Tom in his heaviest tones,
wishing he had a second hand to rub the first with.
"You and whose army?" replied Harry and while the two argued, Dick had
the legs take Oddie, carefully, along the ledge to the vacant niche.
The niche suited perfectly. There were two pillars, which allowed Oddie
to wedge his shoulders on either side and become part of the building;
so to speak. Even if he slept, there was no danger of falling.
"I don't think we'll be spotted up here," said Dick.
"I know something you don't know" sing-songed Harry, while Tom
declared himself humiliated beyond words.
"Good!" said Harry, "now perhaps you'll shut up." The sky
darkened and it began to rain.
After a long silence, Dick asked Harry: "What is it we don't know,
Harry?"
"Well" said Harry, with exaggerated slowness, "In the morning, when the
sun comes up, and the people of the village start to move around, and
one of them comes past here . .
"Will you get to the point?" thundered Tom. Without a flicker , Harry
continued: "Do you know what will catch their eye?"
"Oh is that all" replied Dick. "I think we are too high to have any
worry. Anyway, people see what they expect to see."
"Oh yeah?" came Harry's response. "Do they see what they expect, in
three brightly coloured hats?" Tom's mouth opened and Dick's jaw
dropped. The hats! He had completely forgotten the hats!
At that moment, lightning hit the steeple. It zipped down the lightning
conductor, made a quick swipe at Oddie and was gone down to earth.
When morning came and the village awoke, no one noticed anything. The
lightening had removed every scrap of Oddie's paint, except for a few
crevices and all the life had left him. He was just another figure, on
the tower. And, for now at least - the heads had stopped arguing. . .
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©
2006 Barrie Singleton. All
rights reserved.
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