Something Brewing on The Little Green Planet
One of the first things the Brainies did with their new bigger brains,
was to discover brewing. Although they lived comfortable lives on
the Little Green Planet, they had found to their dismay that being
clever was not all fun. There were a whole lot of thoughts in their
heads which were not easy to ignore. Their new state of mind needed
wisdom if these thoughts were not to make life miserable. But
cleverness was not wisdom, so they turned to alcohol. It was always a
source of wry amusement, to the Little Green Planet, that some natural
processes of decay, which were necessary to return dead plants to her
soil, produced alcohol, just waiting for the Brainies to discover it.
At first they would look for fallen fruit which had fermented a little,
to get some relief from their over-active brains, in a slightly giggly
way. Then they found that if they took good fruit or roots or grain,
and left it in water for a while, this would ferment to a strong
alcoholic mix. They would prepare a large quantity in one of their
baked clay pots and then all get drunk together, dancing, staggering
about, being sick and finally sleeping. When they woke they would feel
terrible. Headache, dry mouth and listless. It was all a puzzle to the
Little Green Planet. Why did the Brainies do this to themselves, over
and over again? Why did their fancy new brains not learn, and stop
doing it? She resolved to ask the Planet of Wisdom, next time their
orbits brought them, close.
“Good Eon, Wise One” called the Little Green Planet, as they passed. I
hope I find you well.” “Indeed you do, young lady” replied the battered
old giant, scarred by many a collision, and wrinkled with age. “What
might I do for you?” “Well” began the Little Green Planet, “One kind of
animal living on me, has started to grow a big brain. They have now
taken to drinking alcohol, and when they do, they behave as though they
have no brain at all. I just can’t see the sense in it. Can you please
explain?” A sudden dust storm clouded the face of the wise old fellow,
and Little Green Planet thought how sad he looked. When his face
cleared, he said: “It was all a long time ago. I had clever ones on my
surface just like you. They too discovered alcohol and it took me a
long time to understand” “Understand what?” said the Little Green
Planet.
“As I am sure you realise, these big brained ones suffer from their own
clever thoughts. They do not find life easy. So they drink their
alcoholic drinks and for a while, they forget how they feel about
things.” The old planet paused and waited for the sun to creep into his
dark zone a little further, to warm his tired rocks. “When they have
made themselves feel really terrible, ordinary life looks quite
attractive, and they can’t wait to get back to feeling normal. But once
they are quite themselves again, their heads fill with troubled
thoughts, from their clever big brains, and they decide to go back to
being drunk.”
The Little Green Planet was horrified. She had produced monsters among
her beautiful green fields and forests! She hardly dare listen as the
Wise One continued: “I am sorry to say, your Brainies think they are
grown up, but in truth, they never do. They are children all their
lives, and cannot see their own folly.” By this time the two planets
were getting out of ear-shot and so Farewells were faintly called, and
silence fell.
Meanwhile, The Brainies were going from bad to worse. They discovered
other ways of turning off their big new brains. They boiled their
fermented mixture and made even stronger drink from the steam.
Mushrooms, leaves, sap, eaten or sniffed up as powder, were found to
have a greater effect than the strongest alcohol. The Little Green
Planet
watched sadly, knowing that there was nothing she could do. The
Brainies were now very many, and they had enormous breweries to make
larger and larger batches of drink. Seeing just how much the Brainies
were drinking, their government put a tax on it and raised a lot of
money. Although they could see the harm it was doing, the government
loved the money more that the wellbeing of the Brainies, so the drink
continued to flow.
In some parts of Little Green Planet, the great cities with their
spouting breweries now grew at an ever increasing rate, swallowing up
the green. While in other parts, Brainies who still lived the old
simple life were not immune from change.
Life on the Little Green Planet became steadily more crazy. No longer
did the simple Brainies brew their drink in the old pot. Now it lay
broken into shards and scattered on the ground, to last for thousands
of years. Now the “Drink that steals your brain” came across the sea in
giant ships. It was packed in cans and bottles by the mighty breweries,
and taxed by the greedy governments, who persuaded the chiefs of the
simple Brainies to buy it. Soon, bottles and cans far outnumbered the
shards of pot on Little Green Planet’s surface, and being made of metal
and glass, they looked set to last for ever. She felt messy and longed
for the old days before the Brainies got their large brains.
Now the clever brains of the Brainies’ chemists found pills and liquids
they could make from chemicals. More and more Brainies, young and
not-so-young began to swallow the pills and inject the liquids to make
their fevered brains feel good and later, to turn off the terrible
feeling which followed. The Little Green Planet was beside herself with
worry. She suddenly realised that she had not asked the Wise One what
became of his Brainies. The more she worried, the more she was wracked
by earthquake and storm. She broke out in volcanoes and her atmosphere
became turbulent.
Just when she thought she could take no more, One of the
Brainies, a physisist, invented a Happy Machine. It was just a small
box of electronics with a couple of wires which the Brainies attached
to their ears with little clips. It had all the good effects of alcohol
or drugs on the brain, and none of the bad. It sold all over the
planet, with a clockwork powered one for those who could not buy
batteries. The breweries went out of business, the chemists made fruit
drinks, and pubs became Happy Clubs . They had one central box, in the
middle of the table, with sockets all round. Groups of Brainies would
gather to drink fruit juice and plug in.
A strange peace settled over the planet. Crime fell to a level no one
had believed possible.
Violence was so rare that those who hurt anyone felt so ashamed, they
never did it again.
The physicist was given two Nobel Peace Prizes because everyone felt
that one was not enough for this great achievement. (Peace Prize
winners had come and gone, receiving their award for some small step in
the right direction, but none had produced even one day of actual
peace.) There was the small problem of some Brainies not bothering to
work, but they were all so happy that little attention was paid. No
more wars were fought and all the money for guns, tanks, battleships
planes and bombs was used to build everyone a nice house and to create
beautiful parks and nature reserves.
The Little Green Planet was ecstatic. She could not wait to tell the
Wise One how well things were going and how the alcohol problem had
been solved. Impatiently she waited for a close encounter with the
kindly giant planet. Finally the day came when they could speak.
“Hello Sir - Hello-Hello” her greeting tumbled out “I have something to
tell you!”. “And I you” replied the Wise One. “My Brainies have
invented the Happy Machine, they clip it on their ears and drink orange
juice and don’t fight and - and . . “ She tailed off, and a
strange look crossed the face of the great planet. “Ah” he said “So
yours have done that too. I got to the other side of my orbit before I
realised I hadn’t told you.”
“Hadn’t told me what?” said Little Green Planet, still excited. “I
didn’t tell you that my clever ones also had a Happy Machine. Then they
made a Super Happy Machine; and improved it still more. “How
wonderful!” said Little Green Planet. “Sadly no.” intoned the Wise One,
“They never did another days work, went into decline, and died out.”
“Oh dear” said the Little Green Planet with feeling.
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©
2006 Barrie Singleton. All
rights reserved.
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