Vettriano Come-Uppance
It’s clear that my “exit strategy” worked to perfection as I am
certainly not alive (in old terms). I went down the obligatory tunnel
with the bright light at the far end.
I remember thinking: “So far so good – but does the tunnel go up or
down?” In fact there was no up or down sensation, making good
quantum-mechanical sense if you are out of material reality and
“elsewhere”. Anyway, I popped out of the end onto damp sand – in the
middle of a Jack Vettriano painting! Yup (smugly). No word of a lie
Just like a dream, but such an improvement on my old dreams of being in
the high street with a short vest and nothing else, or failing to get
off with some constantly metamorphosing girl. Oh no. This painting was
mine to enjoy. All the blokes were two dimensional and a bit pratty -
the way Jack paints ‘em - but the women! Oh boy, all at least three
dimensional, in slippery, shimmery dresses and all my dancing partners.
Even the one with her foot on the stool, was drinking her tea at me,
and displaying a lot of interest, while displaying a lot of interest.
“Something fishy” went my reflex, but I adapted instantly. I thought:
“OK death, one to you. The only thing this equates to in any degree, is
the Muslim Martyr Heaven, but I doubt these “ladies” are virgins;
although as I thought seventy-two, just then, there did seem to be a
lot more of them.”
By now I was dancing with a wonderfully constructed, gliding vision of
implied eroticism, who smelt of Youth Dew – one of my favourites –
while adding immeasurably to its appeal. Her red dress had a
tantalising neckline which kept drawing my eyes from her
mocking/inviting gaze and hint of smile. I managed a fleeting repeat of
that first thought: “Something fishy” but it was swept away as she
stopped dancing and drew me into a long, exploring kiss.
Then we were sitting down. The 2-D men had retired to other paintings
or were standing around slightly ineffectually, smoking and watching.
At other tables around me were slit skirts, revealing long legs
terminating in seductive stilettos and stressed fabric over seated
derrieres, with tantalisingly strategic zips calling for release. My
seductress swung a leg under the table to caress mine as we sipped
pleasant drinks, apparently courtesy of my new dreaming skills. For
long moments she would lock her gaze on mine - and we drank. We talked
endlessly, but the content seemed impossible to register; it was the
act that mattered. We turned out to be interested in all the same
things and in complete harmony; don’t ask – we just knew. Being a
Vettriano lady in a Vettriano painting she knew where everything was;
and taking my hand led me, in close contact, to a restaurant where we
shared a dish, the content of which, naturally, escapes me.
Someone had run a bath of just the right warmth. The bed – ah the bed.
. .
Seamlessly it was morning. I found myself hand in hand again, being
taken for a walk. Suddenly, we were in front of a panoramic window
spanning from left to right horizon. Through the window could be seen
rolling fields with a very Disney-esque blandness to them. Wandering
about, in desultory conversation were many figures in white – all in
white. I glanced to my side, at the Vettriano beauty, now in a clinging
black velvet dress, topped with a cute red bolero smothered in flower
embroidery. Her hair – long and dark last night – had become a bobbing
mass of blond curls. I started, she grinned, we kissed. Some of the
wanderers on the other side of the window had come to peer at us. They
were a mixed bunch, some quite unlovely; “just like the old life” I
thought. “That’s Heaven” said my girl. “So this is Hell?” I responded.
“Got it in one” boomed a voice behind me, and I turned to see The
Devil.
“Boggle” is a very small word when the newly-dead meet the Prince of
Darkness. He was about eight foot in his hooves, utterly magnificent,
with a bit of tinsel hung on one horn; from the dance no doubt. “Oh
bugger” I thought, “Good cop – bad cop.”
I was, in that moment convinced my darling consort was about to vanish
and the boiling sulphur and spiked anus to commence. I was not a happy
bunny. My girl, sensing distress, squeezed my hand and failed to
disappear; I took the Devil by the horns – so to speak. “Something
fishy here!” I said out loud. “Get away” said the Devil in his
magnificent, fruity voice, “Fishy? Nah. It’s all kosher.” The trip into
Jewish vocabulary seemed to tickle him and he laughed so loud, I had
fears for the window. That one was going to cost a Hell of a lot to
replace, and do terrible things to his premiums.
With my gorgeous companion still in attendance and now dressed in skin
tight jeans and a tee-shirt bearing the words “We’re a couple of
swells” – oh, with red sling backs – I felt sufficiently reassured that
the fish were swimming my way. I addressed the Devil. “OK Dev. what’s
the deal? I have led a life of lusting, lambasting and loafing - and a
bit of suicide - fair dos, I am down here.” A frown flitted over his
face, the place went unnaturally chill and a few cracks appeared in the
ground; I resolved to be more circumspect. He obviously had a thing
about “up and down”. “Fair dos, I’m in Hell” I improved. “Shouldn’t
everyone be horribly disfigured?” The Devil ran his eye over my candy.
“Bit of alright that one, isn’t she?” he said, with a leer. “That one?”
I replied, “They are all alright!” “Yeah – OK” returned the Devil, “but
you chose Vettriano, so what do you expect?” “I what? You mean Hell is
interactive? You will be telling me to press the red button next!” A
remote appeared in my hand. “Go on then – press.”
The Devil was beside himself with mirth. “Laughing Devil?” went my
beleaguer brain. I pressed the red button and a virtual screen appeared
offering an array of alternatives to my present companion and a sub
menu of activities; some deserving the appellation: “Heavenly”. Fishier
and fishier.
“Come on” said the Devil. “Let’s go and sit by the pool. On a
need-to-know basis, I can see there is a lot you need to know.” He
grinned a big grin, and I could not help admiring his teeth.
Immediately we were on a beautiful, tropical beach, with a calm sea
lapping the sand.
Loungers appeared and my love and I were soon installed with cool
drinks; the Devil had an enormous triple hamburger. “Right.” He
mumbled. “You say you have been a bit of an in yer face merchant all
your life eh?” “Er - ye-es” I responded, wondering what came next. My
sweetheart rose from her lounger in one lithe movement to join me, in
close approval, on mine; which expanded to meet the occasion. The Devil
swallowed a gargantuan bolus and spoke: “So you expected to end up in
Hell then?” “Well, not exactly. But I knew Heaven was out!” The Devil
was silent for a while as the burger descended into darkness. “So what
do you think you are here for?” asked the Evil One, disarmingly. I
hesitated; you don’t like to tutor your future tormentor! But then,
realising he held all the cards anyway, I said: “To be punished?”
“Punished?” said the Devil. “By me?” “Well – yes” I replied “Er – no –
by God – er, for God by you!” I did not think I would survive. In
an instant the sea was crashing on the shore, the sky was black and
lightning stabbed everywhere. And the Horned one was writhing about in
a terrifying way. Well, I was new. How was I to know this was unbridled
laughter – satanic style. My companion remained reassuringly unmoved –
I was now wearing her like a wetsuit, so close was the fit.
When sea, sky and Devil were returned to calm, he spoke. “What on Earth
is the matter with you mortals?” (I felt mildly offended, but his
meaning was clear.) “You are unbelievable!” (I quickly savoured the
irony.) “He!” here he jerked a taloned thumb towards the window, “He,
chucked me out! If you were chucked out by an oversized nightshirt,
would you do him any favours?” Pennies were dropping so fast, I felt
like a pre-war chocolate dispenser discovered by a school trip. Of
course! Lucifer had cracked it! “I get it!” I shouted, “You are winding
him up by giving sinners what they like – AND, you cunning old devil”
(oops, I thought, but he seemed not to notice) “you have put the window
in so that the good folk can see what they’re missing!” Those amazing
teeth flashed. “Exactly” he said. “Gotta go.”
15.5.05
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